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| December 25, 1985 |
You see, I did a horrid thing. I compared myself to the likes of what movies and magazines defined as beauty. I was not a tall, thin, blonde, buxom woman like Christi Brinkley or Bo Derek. I was/am a ranched-raised Texas Lady. We come in all sizes. We're tough, tender, and a tad-bit mischievous but we are basically a whole lotta fun!
This image was taken two days after my 30th birthday. I remember wearing those pants because they were comfy. Drawstrings allowed me to loosen them from around my tender tummy. This was also 30 days after my hysterectomy that took away the last bit of hope that I'd ever be a part of that wonderful world women everywhere eagerly yearn to join - Motherhood.
Gone was the monthly pain and suffering the endometriosis dealt and now a new, deeper pain took it's place. The one that confirmed I was different. Not as good. My self-worth was never lower. I had failed at the basic reason for my being. Now what? Oh, didn't you notice how old I was in the image? I mean - 30!!
As I review this time in my life I am appalled at all of the lies I desperately chose to believe. Not that anyone ever specifically told me these lies. Just that I concluded these must be truths based on my scientific way of defining beauty. I hadn't found my worth so therefore, I was worthless. What a bunch of bunk! Why was I so determined to accept those lies as truths?
I think the answer is probably like most of us - even men - I think. It was easier. You see, you have to do hard work to discover, know, accept, correct, and enjoy who you really are as a person. Looking at this image now, I don't see overweight, untalented, offensiveness or hopelessness. I see sadness that I wasted so much time not claiming what was rightfully mine. A smile. A confidence that I was valuable, valid, and vital.
A few years later, my marriage failed. My job was gone. I was deep in debt and still uneducated. I was barron. The only gain in my life was about 100 pounds. The steroids I'd taken to treat the disease and the lack of hormones were the excuse I gave myself for overindulging and overlooking what was happening to my body. Actually, I was tired of the lying so I basically gave in and totally believed the lies. After all, anyone overweight has to first accept the fact they are no longer accepted as beautiful. Hmmm...more lies added to the mix.
Six years later, God began to reveal to me my true life. This was only after I hit rock bottom and finally gave my life to His will.
I went to college. I found a new career that showed great promise. I lost 20 pounds by walking with a friend every night. I found myself laughing out loud and was shocked at how silly my laugh is. And, God sent a man to explain my beauty. That's not all. The impossible happened. I became a mom.
Wait! What? Yep. It was swift in changing but long in being complete. Quickly the weight came back and along with it more. Now, the joy was turning into self-pity and I began to drown.
But, God being God, quietly but firmly, opened the doors and windows of light to the point I could no longer lay in the bottom of the pity pool without being the only reason I was there. I was purposely choosing to drown. Ouch! It was so painful to think I'd self-destruct just to remain comfortable being the victim. A victim? Yes, that is so much easier than being the winner. I thought.
For over ten years I did my best not to be photographed or even look in a mirror. I made sure my haircut was a "wash and wear" cut. No makeup. Infact, the only time I really couldn't avoid the mirror were the few times I bought new clothes. Those dressing room mirrors make it impossible to deny what you truly look like. Home I'd go, further depressed and feeling more hopeless than ever before.
One of these such days, my husband had enough. "If you could only see the beauty God & I see in you, you'd stop all of this nonsense." He's not much of a talker (that'd be me) but when he does impart his wisdom - I tend to listen. I so wanted him to be right. Not prejudice. Right. But again, scientifically calculated based on the latest Cosmopolitan, MTV, CMT, and even HGTV, he was just not seeing clearly. Then, so softly, I heard something comforting. "He's seeing you as I do. With love, unconditionally."
Now, you'd think I'd know how much God hates a liar. So I'd really have to be insane to think He wasn't believable. I had beauty. Really? C'mon God. Joke! Joke? Like "kidding"? That soft voice didn't laugh nor did it withdraw the statement. This sentence took years more for me to completely accept.
It was the summer of 2010 and probably weary of my whining, God brought many people back into my life and all I kept hearing was how much we enjoyed finding our friendships again. Some even assured me I was as beautiful as ever. (Now whose been nippin' at the proverbial bottle?) What? Don't you see the many lines in my once smooth, youthful skin? What about the gray? Oh yes, I finally developed large breasts (like that really dictates beauty) but they rested atop (okay - sag) a well-rounded belly whose main competition is the posterior I carry.
They didn't seem to think those were valid points. They kept saying something about my smile, laugh, and the sparkle in my eyes. It was my joy.
When I turned 50, God led me to my profession. Something I'd known since I was little girl who desperately wanted to go to school so I could learn to write and explain to others what I saw. Dyslexia impeded that but the vision never left. One by one I'd find a camera, each a different level but all I could afford. Now, God thought I was ready to start sharing this gift and opened ALL the doors.
I was able to teach myself how to really learn the information. Homeschooling my sons had help start this technique. I was given a wonderful camera and accessories by my husband who had long believed in my talent. I was afforded opportunities from unsuspecting people and events. All the time gaining the ability to "chase the light". It brought such purpose and fulfillment.
I thought being a mom would have done that. But, you know, I overlooked the fact that my part as a parent is stewardship. Not ownership. So, if done properly, the children become adults with their own hopes, dreams and will. When they began chasing all of these, I found myself wondering - "now what?"
God pounced on that, let me tell you. Today, I have a very active business of professionally photographing so many incredible people, many who become lifelong friends; most have already been. I even earned a "self-proclaimed degree" of sorts by passing the requirements for the designation of Certified Professional Photographer which really is only the beginning of obtaining the critical knowledge to do justice with light.
But, more than ever, I say outloud - in the mirror; naked - "Kimla - you be gorgeous!" Then, I grin so big because I know beauty has little to do with the exterior of the body and everything to do with the inside. My loved ones never lie. Now, I don't either.
I pray the same for you. Your struggle may not be the same, but before you accept something as a truth, run it by God first - He will never lead you wrong.
With His love I share this image
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| Kimla Holk, November 2010 |
