Too Close to the Picture

December 25, 1985

"EEK!!  Don't look!  I can't bear for you to see how fat and ugly I am!!  Please!!"  This was my mantra from the time I was a little girl, until, well, ashamedly, not so many days ago.

You see, I did a horrid thing.  I compared myself to the likes of what movies and magazines defined as beauty.  I was not a tall, thin, blonde, buxom woman like Christi Brinkley or Bo Derek.  I was/am a ranched-raised Texas Lady.  We come in all sizes.  We're tough, tender, and a tad-bit mischievous but we are basically a whole lotta fun!

This image was taken two days after my 30th birthday.  I remember wearing those pants because they were comfy.  Drawstrings allowed me to loosen them from around my tender tummy.  This was also 30 days after my hysterectomy that took away the last bit of hope that I'd ever be a part of that wonderful world women everywhere eagerly yearn to join - Motherhood.

Gone was the monthly pain and suffering the endometriosis dealt and now a new, deeper pain took it's place.  The one that confirmed I was different.  Not as good.  My self-worth was never lower.  I had failed at the basic reason for my being.  Now what?  Oh, didn't you notice how old I was in the image? I mean - 30!!

As I review this time in my life I am appalled at all of the lies I desperately chose to believe.  Not that anyone ever specifically told me these lies.  Just that I concluded these must be truths based on my scientific way of defining beauty.  I hadn't found my worth so therefore, I was worthless.  What a bunch of bunk!  Why was I so determined to accept those lies as truths?

I think the answer is probably like most of us - even men - I think.  It was easier.  You see, you have to do hard work to discover, know, accept, correct, and enjoy who you really are as a person.  Looking at this image now, I don't see overweight, untalented, offensiveness or hopelessness.  I see sadness that I wasted so much time not claiming what was rightfully mine.  A smile.  A confidence that I was valuable, valid, and vital.

A few years later, my marriage failed.  My job was gone.  I was deep in debt and still uneducated.  I was barron. The only gain in my life was about 100 pounds.  The steroids I'd taken to treat the disease and the lack of hormones were the excuse I gave myself for overindulging and overlooking what was happening to my body.  Actually, I was tired of the lying so I basically gave in and totally believed the lies.  After all, anyone overweight has to first accept the fact they are no longer accepted as beautiful.  Hmmm...more lies added to the mix.

Six years later, God began to reveal to me my true life.  This was only after I hit rock bottom and finally gave my life to His will.

I went to college.  I found a new career that showed great promise.  I lost 20 pounds by walking with a friend every night. I found myself laughing out loud and was shocked at how silly my laugh is.  And, God sent a man to explain my beauty.  That's not all.  The impossible happened.  I became a mom.

Wait!  What?  Yep.  It was swift in changing but long in being complete.  Quickly the weight came back and along with it more.  Now, the joy was turning into self-pity and I began to drown.

But, God being God, quietly but firmly, opened the doors and windows of light to the point I could no longer lay in the bottom of the pity pool without being the only reason I was there.  I was purposely choosing to drown.  Ouch!  It was so painful to think I'd self-destruct just to remain comfortable being the victim.  A victim?  Yes, that is so much easier than being the winner.  I thought.

For over ten years I did my best not to be photographed or even look in a mirror.  I made sure my haircut was a "wash and wear" cut.  No makeup.  Infact, the only time I really couldn't avoid the mirror were the few times I bought new clothes.  Those dressing room mirrors make it impossible to deny what you truly look like.  Home I'd go, further depressed and feeling more hopeless than ever before.

One of these such days, my husband had enough.  "If you could only see the beauty God & I see in you, you'd stop all of this nonsense."  He's not much of a talker (that'd be me) but when he does impart his wisdom - I tend to listen.  I so wanted him to be right.  Not prejudice.  Right.  But again, scientifically calculated based on the latest Cosmopolitan, MTV, CMT, and even HGTV, he was just not seeing clearly.  Then, so softly, I heard something comforting.  "He's seeing you as I do.  With love, unconditionally."

Now, you'd think I'd know how much God hates a liar.  So I'd really have to be insane to think He wasn't believable.  I had beauty.  Really?  C'mon God.  Joke!  Joke?  Like "kidding"?  That soft voice didn't laugh nor did it withdraw the statement.  This sentence took years more for me to completely accept.

It was the summer of 2010 and probably weary of my whining, God brought many people back into my life and all I kept hearing was how much we enjoyed finding our friendships again.  Some even assured me I was as beautiful as ever.  (Now whose been nippin' at the proverbial bottle?)  What?  Don't you see the many lines in my once smooth, youthful skin?  What about the gray?  Oh yes, I finally developed large breasts (like that really dictates beauty) but they rested atop (okay - sag) a well-rounded belly whose main competition is the posterior I carry.

They didn't seem to think those were valid points.  They kept saying something about my smile, laugh, and the sparkle in my eyes.  It was my joy.

When I turned 50, God led me to my profession.  Something I'd known since I was little girl who desperately wanted to go to school so I could learn to write and explain to others what I saw.  Dyslexia impeded that but the vision never left.  One by one I'd find a camera, each a different level but all I could afford.  Now, God thought I was ready to start sharing this gift and opened ALL the doors.

I was able to teach myself how to really learn the information.  Homeschooling my sons had help start this technique.  I was given a wonderful camera and accessories by my husband who had long believed in my talent.  I was afforded opportunities from unsuspecting people and events.  All the time gaining the ability to "chase the light".  It brought such purpose and fulfillment.

I thought being a mom would have done that.  But, you know, I overlooked the fact that my part as a parent is stewardship.  Not ownership.  So, if done properly, the children become adults with their own hopes, dreams and will.  When they began chasing all of these, I found myself wondering - "now what?"

God pounced on that, let me tell you.  Today, I have a very active business of professionally photographing so many incredible people, many who become lifelong friends; most have already been.  I even earned a "self-proclaimed degree" of sorts by passing the requirements for the designation of Certified Professional Photographer which really is only the beginning of obtaining the critical knowledge to do justice with light.

But, more than ever, I say outloud - in the mirror; naked - "Kimla - you be gorgeous!" Then, I grin so big because I know beauty has little to do with the exterior of the body and everything to do with the inside.  My loved ones never lie.  Now, I don't either.

I pray the same for you.  Your struggle may not be the same, but before you accept something as a truth, run it by God first - He will never lead you wrong.

With His love I share this image

Kimla Holk,  November 2010

The Right Photographer

"Wow!! You should use XYZ Photography!  They are so cheap!!"  Every photographer's worst nightmare.  Not because someone is undermining their ability to make a living by being so underpriced that they take away customers, but because generally this is the largest clue that the photographer lacks, among other things, confidence.

Without confidence, success is limited and most often people settle for failure.  Confidence, according to Mr. Webster, is:

       1 a : a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances 

          b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way 

       2 : the quality or state of being certain : certitude 

       3 a : a relation of trust or intimacy 

          b : reliance on another's discretion 

          c : support especially in a legislative body 

       4 : a communication made in confidence : secret "

You see keywords here that are vital to the relationship between a photographer and the client.  Faith, proper, effective, quality, trust, intimacy, support, reliance on discretion are all important factors in selecting the photographer to work with you.  That's right.  With you, not for you.  It's a relationship and both parts must be equal and respected.

How do you develop this relationship?  First, be selective for the right reasons.  By no means does this mean select the most expensive photographer.  It means do some research.  Ask your colleagues, friends, family members and social peeps.  See who they've used and ask what their experience was like.  

Your best friend may have used a photographer that had the type of personality that would be bothersome to you, thereby preventing you the ability to relax and enjoy the process.  Trust me, a nervous subject is extremely difficult to document in a pleasant manner.

Be observant.  The social networks are filled with photographers displaying their work and a valid means of seeing their styles.  Many use actions/enhancements and if the proficiency level is strong, you will see their efforts in a much more pleasing manner as compared to someone that is still developing their skill.  Over-smoothed skin and extremely sharpened eyes will quickly ruin a favored image.

Research the professional organizations like Professional Photographers of America (PPA) or Wedding and Portrait Photographers International (WPPI).  Both organizations are respected and offer many educational benefits to photographers.  PPA offers the Certified Professional Photographer designation (CPP) and requires the photographer to pass an extensive examination and supply a portfolio demonstrating specific photographic techniques, plus maintain continued education and active involvement. 

When you find a photographer whose style interests you, look at their images in all of their galleries.  Normally, their website will have links to their various galleries and you can see the variety and consistency of their work.  Their site will also introduce you to their pricing and packages.  You don't have to spend a fortune on photography, but you do want to be educated on what the costs consists of and the difference among your favorites.  A lot of the time, photographers starting to build a business feel compelled to use price as a marketing tool to gather new clients and this is the greatest mistake they make.  It's the number one reason they are unable to continue in the business by not being honest about the cost of doing business and the amount of profit they require to sustain their living expenses.  

When you've narrowed down your choices, schedule an in-person meeting with them and ask them to bring samples of their products if you don't meet with them at their place of business.  Not every photographer chooses to have a studio and many rely on public venues.  This shouldn't disqualify them.  Their specialty may not require the expense of separate studio.  Their basic information should always reveal the best way to communicate with them and must include their email address and phone number.  

Be sure to ask for references from previous clients and then ask to see a sample from their session.  Some photographers use models for marketing material to protect the privacy of clients, but many clients are thrilled to share their images with the world when the photographer is successful in documenting the client in a favorable manner.

Be alert to personality and look for signs of confidence that will help develop trust & faith so  you will be more certain of effectiveness, quality,  respect, and success.  You should expect to make a downpayment when you select the photographer and book a session and being able to trust they will deliver high-quality products will be extremely important to your pocketbook.  You should also expect to pay the remainder of the balance at time of session and ordering of product.  This is a good time to see their workflow, so be sure to ask their method of payment, selection of images, and delivery of products. You will want to be sure the vendors they use offer archival quality products.  

And last, ask about their policies of cancellation; rescheduling; referrals and, personally, I think their community involvement is important.  Community is critical to developing business and sustaining it for long periods of time.  There are many ways to give back and many charitable organizations are happy to share who they do business with.  Local retailers often work with the best photographers for their marketing materials and displays.  Many youth sports groups know several photographers and whether or not they were able to deliver the quality of products they needed to record their participants.

Now that you've done your homework, most likely you will find the cheapest one may lack experience or talent or both.  Many of these are extremely talented but lack the business skills necessary to deliver your product effectively.  This is not always the case, but it is definitely a clue that your investment may be at risk and failure is something you may have to accept.   Me?  I prefer to choose success.

Kimla Holk's photostream

Kimla Holk's photostream on Flickr.

Enjoy my attempt to show you something I find interesting.

Your Point of View Matters

In photography, your point of view matters.  You are using an image to say something to other people that you feel is important.  You want them to see something you find interesting.

For me, the Depth of Field, is critical.  Other things like exposure (the compilation of your aperture setting, the shutter speed, ambient light, and the sensitivity of the sensor to light), composition, & textures add emphasis to the vision but it's the DOF that dictates what you see easily.  Maybe you want something blurred on purpose, perhaps to display motion, and that's okay, but the DOF again is what defines your view.

I am an ever-learning portraiture photographer with the hobby of nature photography.  When I need a break, nothing calms and restores me more than finding a wonderful treasure outside.  Most of the time it's in my garden or yard.  As I discover a creature in a new way, I get so excited to reveal it's secrets.  This is where DOF becomes my voice.  It says alot without any words.

Here is a new find.  A brand new bloom from my pink water lily.  To begin with I had to decided what I wanted you to see so you could become excited.  Do I want you to see lots of color and texture with varying light?  Is it the symmetry of the petals?  The raindrops and their prism properties?

Based upon the camera's meter readings and my desire to shoot as fast as possible to better ensure clear, crisp (tack sharp) images and my laziness to drag out the heavy tripod, I agree to an aperture setting that allows me a fast shutter speed.  In this case, I had my camera set to a large opening in my aperture (actually as wide as this lens would go) at f/5.6.  This allowed me to set the shutter speed to 1/400th of a second.  Being a sunny morning, (you know this because the bloom opens in the morning and closes in the late afternoon), I only needed a low sensitivity so my ISO of 200 was good.  Now, it's time for  THE decision!

Focus!  Up close, pulled back for wider view?  Well, considering everyone first sees this bloom from a wide point of view, I immediately want to show them a more intimate view - so close up it is.  I drew the telephoto lens in as close as I could to 280 mm (using a 70-300mm) and the next step is truly a step.  I stepped as close as I could to the subject that would allow the camera to focus sharply. Ahh...that's better. Here is the first shot before cropping (click images to enlarge view):

The next process was determining what area required the most sharpness.  With a large aperture setting, everything outside of the specified focal point rapidly becomes more blurred.  I love me some bokeh (Japanese word for the blur in out-of-focus areas) but I want it used selectively.

This first image focused on the tips of the inner bloom.  The focal plane (the area where everything at that length from the lens will be in focus - whatever lies infront or behind will be blurred) shows the intricate details of just the tips of the bloom.  Because they are closer to the lens and lie within the length of my selected focus you are easily able to see them the best.

In the second image, I altered the depth of my focus to the center of the bloom and this caused the tips to blurr and the inner core to become crisp.

These have been cropped very close in post-production to reveal these choices.  Because I didn't use a macro lens or extender rings, I had to do this after I shot the image.










Here is the shot that show both in fairly good focus but I feel is less interesting.   I wanted you to feel like a bug and you could slide down those tips into the pool of yellow.

These butterfly images are further examples of how DOF lead your eye to what the artist wants you to see.  Who knew butterflies were hairy???  Notice the edge of the wing in the first image of the top row is blurred so your eye glides right past it to the center of the butterfly.

I plan on posting a series of these basic photography tips and if you'd like to follow, I would love your subscription!

Blessings.

Marina

Love this time of year when hope comes rushing in on the wings of Spring.  Color, smells, sounds all come alive.  One of the best parts for me is being able to use these in my shoots.

Marina, a local senior, trusted me to document this special time in her life and we couldn't wait to take advantage of all the options.

We started with understanding her interests.  Art, Music, & Law Enforcement.  Right off, I understood that to mean she was creative and wanted to help keep things fair.  She said she could be sarcastic and the difference in being sarcastic and bitter is a hope.  Sarcasm normally comes with a smile where bitter a scowl.  So seeing the joy in her, we set off for the perfect location.

First one was an old school  house - long abandoned but still a reminder of all the knowledge it handed out.

Then we wanted to show her more serene side.  One where she can reflect the reserved part of her.  This location was more secluded, yet it's peacefulness really complimented her mood.

Then, it was time for the "Dard Side"!  I had a new set I was excited to try and she was game.  Together, we made something that I found surprising.  She was cold, a bit scared, and for the first time - shy.  But, such a pro.  She really wanted something like no other and went for it.  I am very pleased with the results and am eternally indebted to her generosity.  Enjoy...

And you need not ask, 'Why do you love what you do?"  So blessed.

Surprise!!

I know!  Another blog! Two days in a row?  Yep...I can do this.

I am working out the details to install a black, infinity floor for reflective and wet shoots.  Calling two of my favorite models to help me with the test shots.  They aren't afraid to get wet or cold!  Excited to share some the photos with you so be on the look out.

Also, the bluebonnets and other wildflowers are busting out everywhere in the Texas Hill Country, so be sure to call for your session.  You know these won't last long and after last year, it's awesome getting their magnificence documented with your beauty!!

Here's a sample of some I took this week (the first one was making funny faces at me)

Keeping Light Interesting another day.

Another Attempt!

Well, it seems Facebook is my most faithful blog.  I love the immediate interaction and since few follow this blog, I really don't see the benefit of the investment.  Yet - I can't seem to remove it.  So I think I should just become more interactive and post more frequently.


Recently I had the privilege of documenting a new friend.  She's a senior in high school and is anxious to complete the year and start her new life.  

She's vivacious, intelligent, hardworking, fun, and I think a bright star.  She just seems to bring such an energy to the scene.  

Thank you Robin for making my work so dang much fun!!